Absolutely no one asked me to make this list and you know what that means! I made the shit anyway. Hopefully this will help you answer the age old question: “Will Randall Thompson ever be found nearly dead with only a enough strength to utter his final words ‘It was them…THE WOLVES'”? You’ll be able to sleep easy tonight. I got you. Here we go.

1. I’m not a goddamn sheep!

Getting eaten alive by animals, especially fucking wolves is the job of sheep. Not me, player. I’m woke as hell. I stay up on current events without even trying. I approach topics with a totally open mind and true knowledge of self. I also only believe half of what I hear, and none of what I see. I’m just plain cunning. Also, I am a human being, and not a literal sheep. This alone drastically reduces my chances of getting wolfed (i. e. eaten by the goddamn wolves).

2. I don’t really be where wolves be at, b.

I typically am in an urban climate, and I am also inside a decent amount. Even when I am outside smoking or meditating, I don’t really do that shit in wolf country.

3. The Wolf is my spirit animal.

This is a story I’ve been encouraged not to tell because I might be committed to some type of facility. Either way, shout out to the indigenous peoples of this land for blessing me.

4. I’ve been blessed by the Wolf at Sam’s Town.

Being a Vegas local definitely has it’s perks. People talk about the jackets, slot play, buffets, and all that jazz (even if it is a different genre of music playing in that swanky hotel lobby, aye!). What they might not know is that at Sam’s Town Casino, specifically Mystic Falls, there is a wolf that can bless you. The wolf serves as a ward to those other wolves that may want to serve me for dinner. Bonus, right? I know.

5. GMOs

I mean…probably.

6. I’m a fucking Alpha.

You’ve read this whole post. So, I don’t even need to remind you how fucking dominant I am, especially when it comes to my confidence in never being gruesomely picked apart, devoured, and meeting my bloody, bloody end at the mouths of some bitch-ass wolves. I mean, I already put that shit in bold. You know what it is.

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