Aye, what the hell is tarot, playboy?

A lot of times when people think of tarot they get all kinds of fucking weird about it. I supposed I can understand that. I mean, I get it, these shits supposedly tell you the future of your womb, relationships, jobs, and pretty much anything else you could have a question about. It doesn’t help that they are depicted in movies among occult items like Ouija boards, demon puzzle boxes, and the wand from ‘Bright’ (which was a decent Netflix movie, I don’t give a shit what anyone says).

Tarot cards are much more benign and actually useful than all that shit. Now, I’m not dissing magic, magick, or whatever forbidden Afro-latinx Tumblr word you wanna use. That’s not my style. What I’m getting at, as a reader for the last 12 years or so, is that there really aren’t any negative side effects to consulting tarot cards. It’s been my experience and long held point of view that the only answers you’re going to get from these symbols and numbers printed on very nice paper are…brace yourself…inside you the entire fucking time!

What? Yeah. Yup. Mm-hm…I said it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My understanding of the cards, and any other talented reader out there, can definitely help you out and stuff so don’t stop paying us, okay? Jokes aside, the easiest way to explain the tarot is a collection of archetypes that are spread out in just about anyone fathomable. If you’re like me, it’s quite similar to looking at all the tags and categories on a porn tube site at once. Or, if you’re also like me, it’s like asking Google about all the fun things to eat in the area. Or, if you’re really, really, like me…it’s like looking at an even bigger list of categories of porn.

Okay, so I lied when I said jokes aside. Sue me. (disclaimer: please don’t.)

So, after you’ve picked a fair amount of archetypes, i.e. cards, then they are arranged and read like a story. How much this story resonates with you is up to you. I would recommend letting it resonate completely. Be completely open. Mainly, I suggest being highly receptive to the message because it’s quite probably happening to you, whether you believe it or not.

That’s the one really cool thing about tarot cards. They aren’t ever wrong. However, the caveat is that they don’t have to be 100% correct either. It is simply an overview of what you likely know but may not want to admit, hence the consultation. You take in all the symbols and start to understand what’s happening on a deeper level. At the same time, you also start getting a clearer idea of what a realistic outcome will be. Again, the outcome will make a lot of sense and be something you could have predicted. Just. Like. Porn.

Well, what if the tarot reading doesn’t make any sense to me?

I’m glad you asked! While you might be dealing with an inexperienced medium or reader, I can say confidently that if your answer doesn’t make sense to you…you probably asked a dumb as question. Something like a yes or no question, or lottery numbers, or you were expecting a fucking genie or something. It doesn’t work like that. The goal here to go beyond your 5 physical senses and intuit…nevermind…just…don’t ask stupid questions. That’s just a general rule for living on this planet.

Before getting a reading (and taking it super fucking seriously) about your love life or a dying relative, consider if you even want to know the answer. That’s the only thing that really makes that answer more or less precise and clear. If you don’t want to see it, you don’t have to. It’s a lot like adult films. There’s a lot of things you could be looking at, but do you really want to? The choice is yours if you want to seek out some kinky, psychic shit. Or you could just do it yourself and learn how to handle a deck. Who knows? Folks might really enjoy what you’re bringing to the table. Or perhaps you’ll find that you ultimately want to keep your divining rod to yourself. Aye. Yes, yes!

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